OWL MAIL

OK, so here's the story. While I was joining "Bloggers.com" (curtsy of Mimi), it didn't appear to like the title "Be", because of it's shortness. So I decided to just use my gaming name, like I do with practically everything else, because unlike Blogger, my nickname is too cool for other sites.
Anywho. I decided that if I'm going to have that title for myself for ever other single networking/gaming/whatever site, then I should just change it here.

The only reason I did not want to before was because I know it will confuse some people. But I think I left a message warning you of the name change in your comments (Oopsy Daisy's if I didn't). And I do know that it will confuse some people.

But I say "whatever" to that. Gaming names are about to take over one day or rather...

Lady Nansei

^^ Hmm, feels weird signing off like that...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Draft of 'Sedona'

Just got back from work with my eyes all sore and tired and with my brain still sore from working at the markets I couldn’t really come up with anything to write about that won't make your brains sore either.

So, I decided to post a draft of the book I’m currently writing: ‘Sedona’. The book is about a girl named Mira who’s dad is a Mad Scientist. And then, one night, some black-dressed men come in looking for him and try to get her to unlock his new invention: a Time Machine—which he had created so he could travel back in time to be with his dead wife (Mira’s mother) again. She ends up travelling over 3 million years forward into time and finds herself in a weird place filled with magic, demons and other weird creatures. This is an extract from Chapter 4, after she’s already travelled into time. I haven’t edited it yet, so bear with me.

Still soaking wet in my blue pyjamas with little ducks on them, I marched through the dense forest and as far away from the river as I could get.
I knew I should have stayed there at the ‘crash’ site, but I couldn’t help it. I was now 3 million years forward in time, and who can be guilty of wanting to explore?
The sun had already started rising when I finally stopped walking and sat down to rest by a large hollow log. My hair had already dried into a tangled, black mess and but my pyjamas were still damp and scattered with dirt and tiny leaves.
After checking that there was no spiders I brushed away the leaf litter and lied down by the log and tried to get to sleep. I had just rested my eyes and felt like I was about to go to sleep when I heard some commotion and hushed voices not far from where I lay and sat bolt right and glanced around anxiously.
I paused for a moment before I quickly stood and grabbed the lever, which I had been carrying all this time, and held it up as a weapon, although if it was some tough animal I was sure I had no means of protecting myself with some metal stick with a knob at the end.
I heard another array of hushed voices followed by a shout—not a war cry or a shout of pain, but something like realisation or, maybe, fear.
I was about to open my mouth and shout, ‘hello?’ like the people in books always do when I realised that I better keep my mouth shut, especially if these people mean harm.
For a brief moment I thought of mutants—or cannibals who used to be the real humans—until the forest took over. It was still dark out, the sun was just a blur over the canopy of trees, so maybe they were vampires—or werewolves. Maybe they’d turn me into their own kind. That would be pretty cool, but then again vampires and werewolves aren’t exactly like they are in all those books and movies.
I was too caught up in my hysterical thoughts (you know how some people can’t stop talking when their nervous—I can’t stop thinking when I am) to notice that something was creeping up behind me until it hit me—literally.
I let out a scream as I felt the tiny arms go over my throat and it’s legs over my chest. I tried to kick the creature off but already all of it’s tiny friends were dashing out of the bushes, holding tiny spears in their hands and bows and arrows in the other.
“Oh, crud, man,” I muttered.
The creatures were about knee high, some even smaller. They had dark, chocolate coloured skin and masks which covered their faces. Pretty much all of the masks were the same: they had an ornamented of feathers surrounding them and giant, eyes painted onto the wood with a big, grinning mouth set underneath them.
One of the scary, tiny creatures even chucked it’s 30cm ruler-sized spear at me, which narrowly went passed my head and probably (hopefully) hit the creature on me because it started yelling at the thrower in some weird language which seemed to mostly be made up of different pitched screams.
The thrower screamed back, causing the one on my back to jump off me and start attacking it’s team mate. Once it was off me I turned and started to run but two creatures jumped onto my legs and pulled my down onto the dirty forest floor.
Acting swiftly I turned the lever on them and hit one right in the stomach. I heard a crack and the creature stumbled backwards before falling to the ground and dropping it’s ruler/spear.
This seemed to cause all of the creatures to stop what they were doing (which seemed to mostly occur of them fighting each other) and screamed before they all leapt onto me at the same time.
I managed to let out my own scream while I was being crushed by their tiny little bodies. I tried to swing my weapon at one of them but another knocked it out of my hand before grabbing hold of my hand and bitting down on it.
I let out a shout of pain as all the others started following this ones tactic and dropped their spears and began sinking their teeth into me.
After a while of them bitting me my body was beginning to feel numb and I couldn’t help but think, this is it. This is how I’m going to die—being eaten alive by these weird little creatures. I wonder what your suppose to think about when your about to die?
But suddenly the creatures were starting to leap off me and recollect their spears to throw at something in the distance.
I saw a blaze of bright like and tried to sit up to see what it was until one of their spears made contact—into my left arm—and unlike their bitting these spears actually hurt, like getting stabbed by a knife hurt.
I glanced down at my arm which had blood pouring out of it like a tiny water fall and all down my forearm. “Oh my. . .” I thought, totally ignoring whatever that bright light was and concentrating on my flaming wound.
I had just started feeling an even bigger panic arise in me when one of the stupid, tiny creatures raced over and ripped to spear out of my arm to throw at their new victim.
“Ow!” I screamed, and angrily punched the creature with such force that it went soaring a few metres away where it crashed into the log which I had once been resting by.
Some of the creatures ran over to me and began trying to bite me again but I was quickly on my feet and kicked them away and into the log as well.
And to tell you—kicking these creatures felt good, so I ignored whoever their new victim was, their flying spears and my wound and began going through the crowd, angrily kicking them all out of the way. Some tried to get onto me once more but failed under my good kicking force (maybe I should have tried out for the soccer team after all) and soon most of the creatures, who hadn’t been kicked, turned tail and ran back into the bush, screaming the whole time.
Not long after I knelt by the ground, panting and found my lever. It was like my new best-friend or something. I put one hand to my wound and it came away stained with almost black blood.
Whoa, I remember thinking before my vision became blurred. I heard some more voices close to me but up high. I realised that it might have been those creatures again and tried to get up but that just caused me to fall onto my back. I was panting hard, I could even feel sweat pouring off of me.
Soon my eyes shut and all I saw was darkness. And then, nothing at all.
It’s hard to remember what you’re thinking when you’ve fainted. I’ve never fainted before then but my brain was working so over time to fix my wound that I didn’t even bother to come to terms that I was passing out.
You know what I mean? No. Okay, I’ll just shut up and continue with the story.

Since this was a whole chapter I had to get rid of a lot of paragraphs but please tell me what you think, and defiantly the constructive criticism because I need so much of that to know how to make my stories better.

Thanks

-βe

9 comments:

βe said...

Sorry about how long it is, and how badly written it must be since I didn't edit it or re-read it or anything. And sorry for how long it took me to post something!!

~Reita~ said...

this is really good - especially for a draft. and the story plot sounds excellent. if it was a book i'd read it.

Hannah said...

Aww, this story is so cool. You have to email me the rest.

M!@ said...

To be fair you did have a lot of spelling mistakes, but I loved the draft. You have to put up the first couple of chapters, or the next chapter after this one!

Amanda said...

sounds cool. not my sort of novel but it's pretty good.

Kirsty said...

I really love this. The story plot sounds great, I really want to find out what happens next!!!

Lexy @ Quirky Explosion said...

WOAH COINCIDENCE. I'm supposed to be writing for an online writing course right this very second, but I'm commenting on blog's instead! YIKES!

Anyways, this looks fantastic! I definitely don't have the motivation to write a full chapter, let alone novel so major props!

QUIRKYEXPLOSION.blogspot.com

Nat Attack said...

Thanks for promoting my blog!
And your story seems super-cool. I hope you'll post some more on, even if it is agazillion pages long, it'll still be super interesting to read!

Gizelle Faye | Vanilla Ice Cream said...

oh wow! you have a really good imagination....blow me away! i wrote a book in 1st yr highschool but it was a love story though..hehehe.

♥ vanilla ice cream ♥