Be’s list of 'How-Not-To-Destroy-Your-Things'

I’ve noticed recently that people break their items pretty fast, I know for a fact that almost everybody in my maths class have dying calculators (or dead ones, thus owning well-conditioned new ones which will probably die within a year). While I still have the same calculator from the 7th grade. Today I was asked how come my calculator still works perfectly and that made me feel a need to write a post explaining a few simple steps on how not to kill your objects.

Step One: Don’t throw it, kick it, stomp on it or smash it against something else.
A pretty simple solution, but in case you never got taught by your mummies: if you smash something there is a highly likely change that it’s going to die.

Step Two: Don’t swear at it.
It has been scientifically proven that once you buy something and it becomes “yours” then they grow microscopic ears and can tell when you are swearing at it or calling it useless. Thus it would feel either extremely sad or angry and commit suicide.

Step Three: Don’t lend your objects to ANYONE.
This step basically explains itself, but just in case you didn’t get the message: if you lend someone your item it is obviously going to die (unless you lend me your items, I am very careful with other people’s objects and they will never die in my presence).

Step Four: If you place your object in a bag that does not mean it will be safe if you decide to then throw the bag off a cliff (or just kick it across the basketball court).
It is fair to say that other people love kicking other people’s bags, I don’t know why but it’s just the way of human life. To solve this sticky situation don’t leave your bag out of your sight and if someone does kick your bag or throws it off a cliff then you are allowed to scream, punch and kick them. You are also allowed to throw their bag off a cliff and throw it on a highway.

Step Five: Water and Electricity don’t mix.
Water and paper doesn’t mix either. Actually, you should try to keep most of your possessions away from water unless you are going to wash them, and unless you’re Stefanie Presland I doubt that you’re thumb drive will survive a swim with the washing.

Step Six: Be kind.
As I said in step 2# your objects have ears, if you are kind and gentle with it there is a highly likely chance that it won’t die.

Step Seven: Be careful where you put it.
Example: Don’t put your laptop on/in the: driveway, bathroom, under your pillow, under the leg of a table, on a bed unsupervised, in someone else room, on the dining room table, beside your dog’s water bowl, in the chicken coop, on the couch, next to/near a fish tank, next to/near your sibling, on the wet ground, on any ground, under your bed and basically under any object. Why? Because all of these give a highly likely chance that your laptop would be: squashed, stomped on, kicked, smashed in half, stolen (by your sibling, which is worse than a random criminal), wet, peed on, spider webbed, fallen to the ground and put somewhere you are not aware of.

Pretty obvious pointers and that brings me to the end of my list of ‘how not to destroy your things’. I could carry on the list but that would be boring and I can only make up 7 things. However, you can go online and buy my book: ‘how not to destroy your things’ for a bargain price of 50 000 000 000 000c.

Farwell my readers, and remember to give your computer a hug because it’s the reason your reading this now!

Sayonara,
--Be